Rainbows After Rain

There are so many associations with rainbows lately. I used to think of a myriad of things whenever I saw a rainbow. That changed a year ago. I think of two things now.

1) First and foremost the true meaning of a rainbow. Whether people these days like it or not, the rainbow was God's promise to Noah that He would no longer flood the Earth. It would never happen again. The Earth had been cleansed of its wickedness. It's really quite a wonder to look heavenward after a big storm or some particularly heavy rain and see a bright, beautiful rainbow stretching across the sky. The symbolism and parallels to baptism are beautiful & true.

I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain

And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again

{one of my favorite primary songs growing up. I'd belt that

 song loud & proud :)}

2) Babies. 

Have you ever heard the term "rainbow baby"? No? Don't feel bad. I hadn't either until I was pregnant for the first time with John. I read this phrase over and over again on online mommy forums and was confused. Was this some kind of coined ethnic term? Finally, someone asked the question, "What is a rainbow baby?" ... simply put, it's the next child born after a loss. I probably don't need to explain how the loss of a child, whether it be through miscarriage, still birth or something tragic later on can be likened unto a storm. So naturally, when you're blessed with another child after such a loss, that child is your "rainbow baby". Think about that. When you understand the true meaning of a rainbow, the term "rainbow baby" holds heavy meaning. 

After my miscarriage last July/August, I wasn't so sure there would be a rainbow for us. I still cry when I think about the week long miscarriage of our twins. How could I... no, how could WE possibly be strong enough to try again? Pregnancy would never be blissful again. The excitement of seeing "Pregnant" on a test stick would last a split second before extreme fear, worry and anxiety set in with thoughts of another loss. 

Well, a few months ago I knew that it was time.  

I'm aware this statement sounds silly to those of you who don't want kids. I thought women were flat out nuts when they referred to their ticking biological clock, until I had John. Anyway, just trust me. It's a real thing. That being said...

I fought with myself for a few weeks before bringing this topic up with Nathan. He was dead set on being done... and how could I blame him? He's had more loss in his life than anyone that I know. How could I ask him to be vulnerable and exercise faith to try again? I was completely consumed with irritability and fear and stress, but after a beautiful April afternoon in the KC temple, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is what the Lord wanted for us. I decided to hold off sharing my feelings and experience with Nathan for another 10 days because we were moving. After a few long discussions, prayers, soul searching, etc we agreed. This really was the next step for us. It took a couple months & more prayers after a few negative tests, but for the first time in 10 years I had a normal 28 day cycle in June, aka, we knew when to get down to business ha. 

A week ago I was snacking on some carrots after the kids went to bed and randomly had to run upstairs because I was getting sick. Ummm, that doesn't happen to me unless I'm pregnant. I waited until the morning to test & received a BFP! {big fat positive} 

I decided I needed a fun way to tell Nathan. Since John was a surprise pregnancy, he was with me in the bathroom when I took the test haha. Ellie was conceived over Nathan's R&R from Afghanistan so he was already deployed when I got the test results. And then my pregnancy with the twins, well he saw me grab the pack of tests at the store so surprise ruined there. 

I came up with this fun little number....

Since Nathan drives a work van during the day, this is the first thing he'd see when he got home since he come in through the garage :)

So, because of my history, and other medical complications {Myasthenia Gravis, PCOS, Endometriosis}, my OB wanted me to come in for blood work asap.

My numbers on Monday were low. Within the accepted range, but low. So, I started Progesterone twice/day and repeated the blood work on Wednesday. I called this afternoon for the results because I'm impatient, and my levels more than doubled! This is excellent news. The progesterone is helping my uterus stay happy, which keeps the baby IN. I go back tomorrow for another measurement and we'll keep repeating this until the OB is comfortable that we are out of the miscarriage zone. 

It is SCARY. I feel pangs of anxiety every time I have to use the restroom. But I am blessed. We are so, so grateful to have the opportunity to be pregnant again. I know that when we put our trust and faith in Christ, we cannot be wrong. I know that He is watching over us & has blessed us with amazing family, friends & doctors. 

So officially... our RAINBOW BABY is due April 1, 2016 & for the first time ever I HOPE I go the full 40 weeks! How funny would an April Fools day birthday be. Plus, John and Ellie were both born on holidays {St. Patrick's Day & Memorial Day, respectively} 

ALSO.... just as we had decided when we were pregnant with the twins last July... we won't find out the gender until birth! :) I've always wanted to do this after having a boy and a girl. We have all we need either way!