From 6 to 4

I seriously don't even know how to start off this post. I've wanted to write it for about a week now, but decided to wait until after I passed my two sweet little angels to do so.

Miscarriage is a very surreal experience & is unfortunately one that is not spoken of very openly. Well, that needs to change. There are so many women who suffer in silence because no one wants to share their experience & to a degree I totally understand that. But, I am also a firm believer in growing & learning from the experiences of others. So, that is why I am choosing to be open about my experience with miscarriage.

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 We knew from the beginning that the second baby more than likely did not survive past 5 weeks gestation. It was sad, but if I'm being honest, the two times I saw that twin on ultrasound, I knew I wasn't going to meet him/her in this life. Just for the sake of this post, I'll refer to this twin as Baby B. Baby B looked like a very small kidney bean the two times I saw them. The sac was smaller than Baby A {whose heartbeat I saw at 6.5 weeks}. I was okay with this, probably because Baby A was thriving. Each of the two ultrasounds where Baby A was alive, they were right on track down to the exact day of their gestation. Everything was textbook perfect with the baby.

To recap, because of all the bleeding that was discovered within my uterus at my first appointment, I went back a week later & still had the same amount of blood. Maybe slightly less. It was concerning to the OB, but since Baby A was measuring exactly 6.5 weeks AND we saw their little heart beating away, it put my mind at ease. Baby B had not grown, and even looked a little smaller, so I was prepared to not see Baby B at any more ultrasounds as the OB had said that more than likely my body would reabsorb it.

Fast forward 10 days. Saturday morning started off like any other morning. Nathan got up with the kids & let me sleep in some. He changed their diapers, filled their cups & gave them some fruit while he started making pancakes. Then he & the kids woke me up. I woke up really tired, which was something normal, but it was a weird kind of tired. Almost a sickly tired? So after eating two pancakes and laying Ellie down for her morning nap, I went back to sleep. I slept really hard & felt much better when Nathan & the kids woke me up after Ellie had woken up from her nap. The kids were jumping around on the bed and I started to have sharp stabbing pains on my lower left side. It didn't feel like normal round ligament pain. A few minutes later I got up and showered so we could run some errands. When I went into the bathroom I sat on the toilet and noticed I had blood streaks. Bright red blood streaks. I knew right then that something was wrong.

I never had a single drop of blood come out when I was pregnant with John and Ellie. Not once {not including labor}. Nathan tried to reassure me that it was probably just Baby B or breakthrough bleeding from all the bleeding in my uterus. I tried so hard to believe that, but I knew deep down that this was not a good sign. 

After getting home from grocery shopping I pretty much laid around the rest of the day & scared myself by looking up miscarriage on google & eventually fell asleep for the night. 

I didn't do anything on Sunday either because when I did get up from laying down, I would start to have spotting. So, Monday morning at 8 am, the first day of my 8th week of pregnancy, I called the OB's office & told them what was going on. Once they relayed my message to the OB, they called right back & said that I needed to come in "like right now". I called Nathan & he was able to come home about 20 minutes later to watch John & Ellie so that I could head out to see the OB.

I was trying to be hopeful as I sat in the waiting room. I was imagining sitting in the ultrasound chair & seeing Baby A's heart beating away & preparing myself to see an empty sac from Baby B. When I was called back into the room by the OB herself, I started to get "that feeling". The one where your heart drops down into your stomach. I fought it desperately and told myself silently to quit letting my anxiety take over. After telling her myself what had happened, she guided me from her office into the ultrasound room. As soon as I sat down in the chair I knew without a doubt that I would not see my baby's heart beating. I turned my head to the left & waited to see if the OB would say anything. It felt like ten minutes, but I'm sure it was just ten seconds & it was silent still, so I turned my head to look at the big projector screen. My baby looked bigger, but less like a baby. 12 days ago I had seen a head, and little nubs that were the arms & legs, wiggling. I saw the heart beating 12 days ago. This time when I looked I saw just mostly solid white. I could see the head shape but everything else looked rectangle-ish. And there was no heart beating in Baby A's little chest. 

I held my breath as she tried over and over again to measure & tried so hard to see a heart beat. She finally pulled the wand out & said, "Well, it seems you are bleeding because there is no longer a heart beat. I'm so sorry, but this is a miscarriage. I need to go get my colleague. We have to have two doctors confirm this. Is that alright if I go and get him? We will come right back." 

I couldn't speak. I just shook my head yes while I closed my eyes trying ward off the hot tears that I could feel welling up. Her colleague came in right away and gently took a look for himself, said something in German to my OB & then gently touched my calf {I was in stirrups still} and said he was very sorry but he could not find a heart beat either. I don't know how because it felt like there was a softball in my throat, but I said, "Okay, thank you" & turned my head to the side again. I got dressed & the OB guided me back into her office to talk about options. I already knew I did not want a d & c. She said she was fine with letting it happen naturally if that's what I wanted. She offered prescription pain meds but I declined; how painful could it be? I went across the hall to the lab to get my blood drawn where the tech proceeded to collapse my vein & then ask me if I wanted to have a boy or a girl. Clearly she had not paid much attention to what the OB had said to her. I didn't answer, because that softball size lump was in my throat again. Instead, I just let the tears flow silently. 

I couldn't wait to get outside & breathe in fresh air. I couldn't wait to get away from the sounds of healthy baby heart beats {the monitoring room is connected to the lab, once you're in your 3rd trimester here they monitor the baby for a half hour every visit}.

I was walking & crying, trying to be silent so I wouldn't get weird stares. I cried all the way home. When I pulled into the drive way, I somehow made myself stop, but walking up the stairs to our front door I could feel the tears welling up again. I knew the scene that was about to play out. I'd unlock the door, and Nathan would be waiting to see an ultrasound picture & hear what the news was. I walked in, with my sunglasses still on, Nathan was with John & Ellie in the living room. He asked what the doctor said & I couldn't speak. I took my sunglasses off, looked at him & just felt my knees give out. I sank down to the floor sobbing & Nathan ran over, picked me up, took me to the couch & held me while I tried to spit out what had happened. 

 From Tuesday to Sunday I was in extreme pain. Like, this was more painful than either of my two labor & deliveries. I wished I had taken the OB's offer for the pain meds. Friday was horrible. I got sick, I blacked out every time I tried to stand & I finally said "screw it" and gave up on maxi pads & busted out some adult incontinence diapers. Yep... 

Saturday is the day that I passed Baby A. Did you know that the process of passing a baby is very similar to labor? Your uterus contracts. And it hurts... so much more painful than any contraction that I had with John or Ellie. This went on for a few hours. They were consistent. Every 5-ish minutes. That afternoon I stood up from the couch to get a drink & felt something come out. Nathan helped me back to the bathroom & there was Baby A still in the sac. The sac had a rip in it so it was not fluid filled. I lifted the sac so we could see our baby better. We could see the head & the little nubs for arms & legs. Even though Baby A stopped developing sometime in the 7th week, it was quite clear that this was a baby. It was not a glob. It was a baby... a very small baby, about the size of a large blackberry. 

John & Ellie started screaming from the living room so Nathan left to go take care of them. I sat down on the toilet & just started sobbing. I told Baby A that I was so, so sorry. Then it dawned on me that I had to do something with it. I couldn't bring myself to dispose of it in the trash, that just seemed awful & wrong. But, flushing it seemed just as bad too. I started weeping & crying out, "What do I do? This is my baby! What do I do? I can't just get rid of it, this is my baby!" And right then, I was flooded with warmth from head to toe & stopped panicking & crying because the words, "Their spirits have already left their bodies, it's alright", came into my mind & I felt immediate peace that I was not a horrible mother for having to dispose of my baby's body. It was just that, a body. A mortal body. I wasn't getting rid of a life, I was taking care of a body whose spirit was no longer united with the body. I was able to then wrap Baby A in toilet paper & hold them close to my heart while I said my goodbye. 

I was expecting to be pain-free, physically at least, now. And I was for the rest of Saturday. Sunday I woke up in extreme pain again that lasted all day & in to Monday. Mid-morning on Monday I passed the second sac with Baby B's remains. Baby B had been gone for several weeks already & was pretty much broken down. The sac revealed grey curdled looking tissue. I didn't stop to think, I just looked & thought, "Well, it's done now" & quickly flushed the toilet & went right back to playing with Ellie in the living room. I couldn't let myself feel anything yet. I didn't want those feelings to come back from Saturday. 

I cried again that night & fell into a deep sleep, thankfully. 

Yesterday I had my follow up with the OB. She did an ultrasound & there is still tissue in there that needs to come out, but my blood work has shown that my body is doing what it's supposed to do hormone wise, so she's confident that I won't need a d & c to get the rest out. She said it'll probably take another week or two. I go back in two weeks for another ultrasound & more blood work.

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I have never felt my heart break in such a deep & excruciating way before, but I've also never felt such intense love from others. The power of prayer is real. I am so thankful for all of the prayers from family & friends, for all the kind words & thoughts. I am especially grateful to those of you who have privately contacted me & have shared your miscarriage experiences. Even though, my heart has broken for every single one of you that has had to endure this unspeakable pain, I am so thankful to know that there are others who know this process, and know exactly the right words to offer up. 

I know that all of our earthly trials are for our refinement. I know that these trials bring us closer to our Heavenly Father. I am so thankful to know that this life is not the end. I know that I will be able to hold, speak with & see my two little ones in the eternities. I know that families can be together forever. I am immensely grateful for the Atonement. I know that our Savior knows me personally, he knows exactly what I'm feeling. He knows my thoughts & my heart. He knows what I need, and what I want. I know that His plan is greater than any plan I could ever have for my life. I know that because of His sacrifice, death is not the end. I am so thankful for the words of scripture, for their truthfulness & for the comfort & peace that it brings to my life.

An Aunt of mine sent a letter to me, which I received yesterday & in it she enclosed song lyrics from an LDS artist, Hilary Weeks. I'm familiar with some of her things because she records a lot of EFY songs. But I hadn't heard this particular one, "Beautiful Heartbreak". I youtube'd it today & loved it. It's perfect, thank you, Joy. I've also loved "He Hears Me" & "Just Let Me Cry", also sung by Hilary Weeks. I just thought I'd share those with those of you who are still trying to process your miscarriages. They have been a source of strength & comfort to me today.

This is the little remembrance necklace I ordered from ETSY
The two pearls will be the light green color since I miscarriage in August.