Getting a grip on things!

I've been debating writing about this. But, today I figured what do I have to lose? It's not like I'll be put off if someone doesn't want to read about it or if anyone thinks less of me because of it.

After having John I knew that I'd have those "baby blues". It's pretty much impossible not to. I especially expected to be bummed out and super hormonal with Nathan's deployment happening at around this same time. But, there's a lot of things- feelings that I wasn't prepared for. Yes, of course you're so thrilled to be a new mom... more than words can say but at the same time, especially if this is a first baby I think, it is a H U G E slap in the face. No one can prepare you for what it'll be like to have this tiny little baby, a person, who wholly relies on you to survive day to day. It's exhausting; emotionally & physically hard to do day in and day out. No breaks. You can't just not get up at 2 am because you're too tired to feed them. And for me, I can't just nudge Nathan and ask him if he's up to giving John a bottle so that I can get a good stretch of sleep in. His diaper won't change itself. As much as I tried to "love every second" I found myself feeling a lot of resentment. Resentment that I can't just leave when I want to. Frustration that my husband isn't here to help me. Annoyance that John will sleep through the night for a month then all of a sudden wake up 10 times through out the night. Disgust that my body is so different than it was before pregnancy & that I just can't bounce back to my old self. Then resentment towards myself for feeling all of the above.

A couple weeks ago I told my mom that I was feeling like motherhood was a big joke. Everyone only talks about the good things when you're expecting. The first breath, smiles, coos, steps, words etc. Not at any time when I was pregnant did any one woman tell me the "bad" stuff so to speak. Everyone says, "Oh you'll be a fantastic mother!" "Motherhood is the best; you'll love it" "New babies are so much fun". Yes. All these statements are true. Motherhood is great; it is a blessing and babies are fun. But no one tells you how hard it's going to be. No one tells you that for the first month you literally sit there with your boobs out and feed your baby with maybe a days worth of sleep for the whole month. No one tells you that your baby won't want to be set down. No one tells you that sometimes your baby will just cry for hours and there's no particular reason why. No one talks about these things among other things.

I find myself crying, feeling upset, irritable and super anxious most of the time. It almost pains me to know that I have to leave the house with John for fear of him screaming at the store or something of the sort. It sounds a little ridiculous but I haven't been able to control it. It stresses me out to the point that all I want to do is just stay at home because at least if we're at home we won't be a disruption to anyone. On the flip side... as quickly as those feelings of extreme anxiety & irritability come, I'll feel happy & free to go about my business.

Last week after having a melt down talking to my mom I decided that maybe this is just more than the regular "baby blues". So after talking to my OB's nurse, I started taking Zoloft. This was a huge step for me because in my freshman year of college I was put on an anti depressant due to taking the acne medication Accutane & it did not do good things for me. I vowed never to take them again. But, after really talking with my mom and doing a lot of thinking & praying to know what I should do, I decided I needed to swallow my pride and admit that I need some help right now.

I haven't been taking the medication for long but I already know that it was a good choice... the right choice for me. I feel a sense of peace, level headedness, well-being & I can honestly say that I'm calm. These are all things that I probably haven't felt in months due to pregnancy troubles, moving to another country and then back, the birth of our first baby and Nathan deploying. I don't look like I just ran a marathon at the very thought of having to run errands. I'm happy to get up with John and have more patience for him. And most importantly I don't resent myself for feeling the way I did.

I don't know how long I'll have to take Zoloft for.. hopefully not long but for now I know that it's needed. I need to take care of me so that I can take care of John & be the best mom possible for him because at the end of the day I just want him to be happy & healthy.

Another step to getting back to a good place emotionally & physically is a gym membership & personal trainer. My mom asked me a couple weeks ago what I wanted for my birthday and after some deliberation I decided a gym membership was the best present for me. For me, saying I'll run on the treadmill at home isn't much of a commitment because I can always find a reason to put it off. But, I think that leaving the house 5 or 6 days a week will be good me time. I'm so excited! My sister and I start training with the personal trainer tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to becoming educated on how to exercise effectively. Nathan will be coming home to a completely different wife :)

Anyways, sorry for all the word vomit ha. It helps me to write about struggles that I'm going through... hopefully my experiences will help others to know that they're not alone if they feel the same things at some point. I know that I always find it comforting to read when someone else has gone through similar circumstances & come out of it for the better.