N+A Miller: John Anthony Miller: A Birth Story

Wow, so I guess updating my blog by the weekend turned into two weeks. hmmm... funny how that happens!

Well, this is going to be long & very blunt so if you don't want details I wouldn't suggest reading lol. Anyways, the main reason for this entry is because I want to write everything out for myself in a way. I think it'll help me to organize my thoughts because lately I feel like my days never end... almost like the past 6 weeks has been one really long day.

Six weeks ago today I ended up going into labor on my own- one day before my scheduled induction date. Let me back up a few days before... on Monday I had my typical ob appointment and I was so excited to see what progress I had made because I had been having a lot of back contractions at night. Well, there wasn't too much change, not enough for him to say I had moved up to 3 centimeters but my cervix had changed positions, which was a positive sign that labor was close! So the doctor decided to "mix things up" as he so eloquently put it before inflicting some unpleasant pain in the nether regions. Well I had quite a few contractions all that day and the following day but they didn't yield anything. Thursday came and I had pretty consistent contractions for most of the afternoon which consisted of running last minute errands to Walmart and Babies R Us. So when I got back home I rested and they stopped. What a tease!

Friday I woke up super early, probably about 3am and knew that things were different. I laid wide awake in bed waiting for the contractions to start and they did at about 6am when Nathan and I got up for breakfast. They weren't too bad... menstrual cramps is how I would describe them. They were not close together though... probably every 20 minutes. So we went about our day just like normal. I finished up some sewing projects (which I have yet to take pictures of lol so those will come a little later) and waited for James and Jessica- Nathan's younger brother and sister- to get into town. We went to dinner that night with my family at Johnny Carino's and that is when the fun began. My contractions started getting stronger to the point where it was enough to make me stop talking or eating. They were about 10 minutes apart. They continued to stay 10 minutes apart up until about midnight. While Nathan laid peacefully in bed, snoring away I was up walking around, packing, organizing random things and reading different forums on Baby Bump. By midnight I was so tired and decided to try to get some rest since we had to be at the hospital at 7am. So I climbed into bed and drifted in and out of a deep sleep. It was pretty weird because I'd wake up every time I had a contraction because it was somehow incorporated into my dream- yeah they were getting pretty uncomfortable! So at 2am they turned pretty sharp and I could not stand to lay in bed anymore so more walking around the house it was! This is when I started to time them because of the intensity. Gradually 10 minutes turned into 8 minutes, then 7 and finally around 3 they were coming every 5 minutes on the dot. My water had not broken yet so I wasn't convinced that it was time to go to the hospital.

I was pretty uncomfortable though during the contractions. I couldn't stand up straight and I had to concentrate on breathing because I felt sick to my stomach. As soon as the contraction ended though I felt fine. It's pretty crazy how it's like a flip of a light switch. At about 3:30am I was so annoyed that I got in the shower and stayed there until 4:30am. The water was really calming and helped me to escape the contractions. There's two seats in the shower so I was able to bend down and let the water beat down on my back which felt great because by this point the contractions started at the top of my stomach, radiating down and around my back and shot down my legs to my knees. By the time I got out of the shower and got myself ready the contractions were every 2-3 minutes and I was a little freaked out so I woke Nathan up and told him we had to go. I started getting images of John being born still in his amniotic sac since my water hadn't broke haha- that's what happens when you watch too many birthing stories on TV and the Internet!

We got to the hospital at 5am and I was seriously annoyed that I had to fill out paperwork. I wanted to tell the lady off but I held my tongue and scribbled out all the info they needed- which totally could've waited! I was already pre-registered so the stuff they needed was about whether or not I wanted John's birth to be announced in the newspaper and then some forms about privacy if people came to visit or asked questions about what room I was in etc. Nathan at the very least could've filled them out I thought. I was ready to get to the room and just get this over with.

My doctor finally showed up and broke my water and holy cow, that turns the contractions into something else. Poor Nathan kept trying to hold my hands or rub my shoulders and I just didn't want any of that. I wanted to hold onto the side of the hospital bed and just take myself somewhere else mentally until the contraction ended. I found that counting helped. I would close my eyes, ball myself up on my side while gripping the hospital bed and count myself through the contraction silently.

I didn't realize that I was holding my breath so the nurse kept harassing me to breathe which, by the way, isn't the easiest thing to do when the contractions are that intense! It hurts even more in my opinion but I tried my hardest to breathe so that John wouldn't suffer oxygen deprivation. After an hour the nurse talked me into an epidural because I was at 4 cm and 75% effaced. This is what I regret the very most and still 6 weeks later, I think about it everyday, several times a day.

The anesthesiologist got there pretty quick and had me lay on my left side. Which I thought was strange. All the epidurals I had ever seen done had been performed while the patient was sitting on the edge of the bed or in a chair. Whatever I thought. Less of a chance of getting light headed and passing out. Well I moved slightly as he was first going in due to a contraction so he pulled out and proceeded again when the contraction ended. In order to not move, I stretched my arms out and pushed them straight against the railing on the other side of the bed and bowed my back out towards him like he asked. Just when I thought he was finished I all of a sudden felt like I had been struck by lightening on the top of my head. I blacked out and heard a sound similar to what you hear when the electricity goes out in a building. Immediately I felt very hot and tingly all down my left side from my face down to my toes. I was really confused because when the room came into light again I was on the opposite side of the bed and heard the anesthesiologist apologizing profusely to Nathan and to me. I was super confused but it only lasted a minute or two before I realized that he had punctured my spinal cavity which is the space past the dura- the correct space for the epidural.

I felt hot and tingly down my left side for about an hour. The doctor came in shortly after and I was at 5.5cm and 100% effaced. Great. Things are going fast. Well. The next time I was checked- an hour later I had not made progress and my contractions had slowed down to 7 minutes apart. How nice, the epidural was stopping my labor. In comes the pitocin. The one drug I did not want but was assured it'd be okay since I had the epidural and for the next two hours it was fine. I just felt pressure whenever I had a contraction. But by noon my epidural was wearing off. I thought it was in my head so I didn't say anything until I was ready to push at 12:40pm. The nurse quickly assured me that I had enough medication to last me another 15 hours of labor. Okay, I thought, this horrendous burning and stinging is in my head. W-R-O-N-G. My epidural was worn out everywhere except for my legs! Awesome.

I was scared to death to push without the pain being masked. I had made the mistake of watching lots of birthing videos and saw things I could definitely have lived without seeing. So those images were running through my mind and I asked my mom to stay in the room with me. So with my mom on my left side up by my head and Nathan holding my left leg and the nurse holding my right, the pushing began. I can't quite find the right words to describe what that feels like. Although I will say that pushing through the pain feels better than not pushing through the pain. Since I was so afraid of tearing I wasn't pushing as hard as I knew I needed to. After 30 minutes though I was exhausted and just did not care about the pain or anything else that might happen to me. After about 4 or 5 long, hard good pushes John Anthony was born at 1:27pm on Saturday, March 17th. Let me just say, they don't call crowning "the ring of fire" for smiles and giggles. I definitely screamed and then when the doctor tells you to not push while he turns the baby, that my friends, is the biggest joke of all time. The urge to push is so intense and having a baby stuck at the shoulders has to be the worst pain in the world. I was told later by my mom and Nathan that the words, "Just get him out already!" came flying out of my mouth after being told not to push. ha.

It's incredible how all the pain just disappears after that baby is born and placed on your chest. The love that you feel is all consuming and completely over whelming. I will never forget how I felt when I saw my son, that tiny little 6 lb 15oz, 20 inch baby that I had carried for 8.5 months, placed on my chest. The Spirit in that delivery room was very strong and I was so choked up and completely humbled that Heavenly Father had trusted Nathan and I enough to raise this little baby. Those first few moments are the most treasured and precious moments of my life so far. I will never forget them. It's incredible to look down into their eyes and see yourself and your husband in this new little person. He was perfect. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love my son. A mother's love is perfect.

The hospital stay seemed to drag on forever. I wanted to go home after 24 hours but since it was the weekend I had to stay until Monday. Saturday night my spinal headache set in, thank you very much Mr. Anesthesiologist! The nurses tried to convince me that I needed to get a blood patch. Basically it's the same procedure as an epidural except instead of a catheter pumping medicine in your spine they block the hole created with blood. No thank you. Dr. Lee nor any other anesthesiologist was going back into my spine after what I experienced that morning. I was told I would have this headache for 5-7 days until the hole closed on it's own and that I needed to lay flat on my back whenever possible. The only time I was allowed up was to use the bathroom, the nurse John and to eat. I chose to manage the pain with Tylenol and Ibprophen instead of narcotics because I hate how those make you feel. Plus, I always end up getting sick on them. One week of a headache turned into two, and then three. They also failed to tell me that air can enter into your body through that hole. So I had terrible pain in my neck and in my shoulders. I could not move my head because of how bad my neck hurt. It was absolutely terrible. That whole problem- the spinal headache, neck pain and shoulder pain was worse than the discomforts of recovering from a vaginal delivery. I cried quite a bit over those three weeks because I just felt so crappy.

Nathan left to go back to Germany a week after John was born in preparation for his deployment, so instead of John getting blessed at church he was blessed at home on a Friday afternoon so Nathan could be there.

The day that Nathan left with probably the next week was the hardest week I've been through. I cried every day, multiple times a day. I thought I cried a lot while pregnant, but postpartum hormones are way more crazy than pregnancy hormones. You cry a lot more afterwards and you know what? It's okay. It's healthy, and it makes you feel better afterwards. I still cry sometimes. As a matter-of-fact, I cried last night over John screaming while nursing due to his acid reflux. I felt so helpless and like a bad mom. A good cry and I felt better and was able to think and deal with the situation with clarity.

So, over the past 6 weeks, I've been making a mental list of everything I wish I would've known beforehand & things that I've found to be important/helpful as a first time mom. Here's that list.

*Labor and Delivery are scary but our bodies are designed to do it. It will be okay even if things do not go the way you intended for them to go. You are not less of a woman or a bad mom for it. It's life and life as we all know, is not perfect. I learned that I am way stronger than I thought I was. I got an epidural but it did not end up working so I did deliver naturally without pain medication... something I never imaged I could ever do. But, because of the bad epidural I know now that I can and will not ever get another epidural, EVER.

*Nursing is hard and not pleasant at first. Get help from a lactation consultant. No matter how much you read, you don't know it all and you can't do it by yourself. John was/is a great latcher but the nurse (not the lactation consultant) did NOT show me how to unlatch him... so needless to say, I was pretty torn up by 4 days pp when I went to the breastfeeding clinic. I was given a nipple shield until I could heal and used it up until this past Monday. It's okay to use things to make nursing easier and you're not a bad person if you don't like nursing. We all have those moments because it's hard work and most of my days are spent nursing John it seems.

*Nipple Cream is a necessity and if you have a double electric pump, a hands free pumping bra is a must- who wants to sit there holding up bottles or bags?

*Babies go through growth spurts at 1 week, 2 weeks, 4 weeks and 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months. The first month is hard. If you're nursing you feel like all you do is sit in a chair with your boobs out with your baby attached to them. I cried the most during John's growth spurts because he never seemed happy. He was always very urgent to eat and it's hard to deal with. This is normal and it will pass.

*Lots of people will give you advice on how to raise your baby varying from how long is appropriate to nurse to where they should sleep. It's your child and you will know what is right and best. It's more than okay to let those things people say go in one ear and out the other especially if they're trying to make you feel bad for a decision you've made for yourself or your baby.

*When buying a swing, get one that swings side to side and front to back because you never know, your baby might hate side to side but love front to back. We learned this the hard way. John hates side to side but doesn't mind his front to back swing.

*Don't buy a lot of one bottle/diaper/wipe/pacifier until you know it'll work for your baby. Buy one of each and try it out for a few days and then make your decision. I made this mistake with bottles and pacifiers. *Personally after many bottles and way too much money, we found that Playtex drop-ins are great because you can squeeze all the air out of the bag and the nipple is similar to the breast.

*And lastly, and the hardest thing for me is, it took you 9 or so months for your body to change to grow and carry a baby. That body will take some time to go back to normal. Your skin will sag, your muscles are stretched and weakened and overall it's not a lovely thing to look at yourself naked in a mirror lol. You won't walk out of the hospital wearing your skinny jeans and pre pregnancy shirt. All the swelling you had while pregnant doesn't magically disappear as soon as you give birth. In fact, you may even swell more afterwards before it gets better. Listen to your doctor and take it easy. Listen to your body and soon enough you'll be able to jump back on the exercise bandwagon.

Now for some pictures that are pretty adorable :)